Love Is Watching Someone Die
by ChameleonCircuit
Summary: "He cared about you. More than he let on," Liv said gently. He laughed, then, unexpectedly, before sniffing heavily and opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling. "He loved me," he whispered back, and despite how much his heart hurt, knowing the truth of those words filled him with warmth.


**A/N:** There's minimal references to violence. Like, way less than canon-typical, but there is mentions of blood and gunshots.

Title comes from 'What Sarah Said' by Death Cab For Cutie, even though the lyrics barely relate.

This fic is such a ball of cliche's and has probably been done for every fandom ever in existence, and then some. So apologies.

* * *

Sonny awoke slowly, a content feeling setting over him as he realised that, for the first time in years, he felt well rested. He smiled to himself, resting on the edge of sleep, a faint light creeping in behind his eyelids, dragging him slowly, gently, back into the world. He felt someone shift beside him, a warm arm snaking its way around his waist, and he hummed contentedly.

"You okay?" Rafael asked softly, his voice scratchy with sleep.

"Never better," Sonny replied, tracing Rafael's fingers with his own feather-light touch before entwining their hands.

That wasn't strictly true. The more awake Sonny became, the stronger the feeling that he had forgot something became. But the feel of Rafael's breath against his shoulder and the fingers entwined with his made it very easy to push that feeling aside.

"Breakfast?" He asked after a while, pressing a kiss into Rafael's hair.

"Mmm," was all the response he got - neither a negative nor an affirmative. He figured a lazy day in bed couldn't hurt anyone.

It was almost 2pm before they got up, showered, and found something to eat.

Sonny flicked the TV on, flicking through channels of static with a frown on his face.

"Your TV is broken."

"No, I just don't have any channels," Rafael responded, barely glancing up from his position on the floor in front of his bookshelf.

"What? Seriously?"

"It's not like there's anything worth watching."

"Not even the news?"

Rafael simply held his phone up as an answer, his other hand gliding across the spines of his many books, pausing every now and again on a potential candidate before moving along.

"Pick a movie, then, not a book," Sonny suggested, plonking himself down on the ground next to Rafael.

Rafael was speaking. Sonny knew he was, because his hand was waving about animatedly and his jaw was moving, but all Sonny could hear was a distant ringing in his ears. He squinted, his body swaying toward the bookshelf, and he was very glad he was seated in that moment, and not standing, as his vision clouded over momentarily.

"Sonny?"

Sonny stared at Rafael. He was sure, for a moment, that it had been someone else's voice saying his name and not Rafael's. But the ADA was in front of him, hands either side of his face, eyebrows knitted together in worry, repeating his name gently.

"Woah," was all he could manage.

Rafael traced his cheekbones with his thumbs, the worry still etched into his face.

"You with me?"

"Yeah. Yeah all good."

Rafael helped him up, and Sonny soon forgot the incident as they cuddled up together on the lounge, Die Hard playing, much to Rafael's dismay.

He tried to ignore the way Rafael's eyes spent more time studying him with concern than watching the movie.

* * *

Sonny woke with a jolt, a sharp pain blooming in the back of his head as a wave of panic swept over him.

Large, gentle hands smoothed themselves across his shoulders, dragging him back down, into a warm embrace.

"You okay?"

Sonny forced his breathing to return to normal and nodded, turning so he could press a kiss to Rafael's jaw and wrap his own arms around his partner. The pain was gone as quickly as it had come, and he couldn't remember what had made him panic. He was sure he'd dreamt a gunshot, but he wasn't entirely sure.

"Yeah, must've just had a bad dream," he responded, nuzzling closer.

He could feel Rafael studying him with concern again, while they cuddled, while they showered, while they ate, even while they chatted. Even with a book in front of him, Rafael still managed to find time to glance at Sonny, like he was a mystery.

"What?" He finally asked, looking up from the pot he was stirring to find Rafael watching him once more.

"I'm just surprised you're still here," he admitted, sounding unsure for the first time Sonny could remember in the whole time they'd known each other.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Do you want to leave?"

Sonny frowned, abandoning the pot to walk over to the barstool Rafael was sat at. He stood between the other mans legs, resting his hands on his shoulders, trying to understand the sudden fear and sadness in his eyes.

"Hey. No. Of course not. I'm here 'cause I wanna be."

Rafael nodded and kissed him gently, wrapping his arms around his waist to pull him in closer. Sonny could tell something was bothering him, but he couldn't work out what, and he didn't want to press.

As they sat down to eat, Sonny swore he could hear Rollins voice saying something kind about the dish he'd just made, but when he looked up, it was just Rafael smiling at him, complimenting the rich flavour of the sauce. So Sonny smiled back and figured he must just be tired.

* * *

"I should go home," Sonny said softly into Rafael's hair, attempting to drag him from sleep. He was aware he'd been at Rafael's apartment for two days straight now, and while it felt perfect, he felt he ought to be elsewhere. He just wasn't quite sure where.

"Mm," Rafael muttered sleepily, taking a moment before rolling over to face him. "If you want to."

Sonny thought he sounded disappointed, so he snuggled closer, pressing a kiss to the side of Rafael's head. The action brought tears to both their eyes, though he wasn't entirely sure why. His chest felt tight and he felt, for a brief moment, like he'd suffered a great loss, before the happiness of the moment settled back in. He smiled at Rafael, nuzzling impossibly closer.

"If you have things to do…" Rafael trailed off, and Sonny looked at him, really looked at him, and saw how sad he looked.

"Nah. I'd rather be here with you," he said gently, before adding, "if ya don't mind."

"Stay as long as you want."

Sonny smiled, but it faltered slightly when the feeling that he was forgetting he was meant to be somewhere came back.

* * *

Sonny woke in the middle of the night to a sharp pain in his abdomen. He shot upright, and felt Rafael's hands instantly settle on him. For a moment all he could hear was panicked indistinct voices through a loud beeping, though he had no idea where either of the sounds were coming from.

Slowly, Rafael's soothing words broke through, and the pain in his stomach subsided, and he melted into the other man's touch, falling asleep almost instantly.

* * *

"If you want to leave, leave," Rafael snapped, and Sonny realised he'd been staring at the front door for far too long. It was almost as though he couldn't imagine the world on the other side.

"We could go for a walk?" He suggested, excitement bubbling up inside him at the very thought. He needed to get out of the house.

"You go," he replied, waving a hand dismissively.

"But we've not left here in _days_ , Rafi. Aren't you bored?"

Rafael scoffed at the nickname, but otherwise said nothing.

Sonny sighed and went back to the book he was reading, pulling Rafael's legs onto his lap so he could feel closer to him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered after catching sadness in Rafael's eyes for the eighth time.

"You've nothing to be sorry for."

He smiled, but he still looked incredibly sad. Still, Sonny smiled in return, not really knowing what else to offer.

That night, Rafael cried in Sonny's arms as they lay in bed. Fear and sadness gripped him in ways he couldn't really explain as he held the smaller man close to him. No matter how many times he tried to coax it out of him, Rafael wouldn't – or couldn't – tell him what was wrong. So Sonny just held onto him, pressing kisses into his hair and whispering words of comfort until they both fell asleep.

* * *

"Come on, Rafi. Let's go for a walk. I can't stay here any longer."

Rafael smiled sadly at him, but he looked oddly resigned, too. Like he'd been waiting for this. Like this meant more than just a walk.

"Sonny, I can't."

Sonny didn't understand, but he believed Rafael's words. Despite sounding ridiculous and over dramatic, he felt their truth, and that confused him.

Suddenly, he could hear Amanda's voice in his head, telling him how much Jesse missed him, and how in need Frannie was of his over-enthusiastic ball games. He could hear his mother telling him to come home to her, telling him she missed him, and that the church was asking after him. He could hear Tommy and Bella telling him about his niece, about how she kept asking when Uncle Sonny would visit. He could hear Liv apologising over and over, and that confused him the most.

He looked over at Rafael for answers, though he didn't know how to voice his questions. All he knew was that the pull to go outside was stronger than ever, and it both terrified and excited him. He waited for Rafael to look at him, but it was as though he were determined not to. Sonny knew he wasn't still reading - he hadn't turned the page for a few minutes now.

"You can go on your own. You don't need me holding your hand."

Rafael's words sounded cold and dismissive, and they felt like a slap in the face. He still wouldn't look up from the book he wasn't actually reading, like Sonny wasn't worth his time, his patience, his gaze. He felt tears burn his eyes, and he tried to remind himself how silly he was being.

Days cooped up with Rafael was clearly affecting him more than he thought. All he wanted to do was go for a walk - of course Rafael didn't care if he left or not, knowing he'd be back. Yet there was a heavy sense of unease that spread through him as he reached for the door handle, and he didn't miss the way Rafael flinched just slightly, his hands gripping the book a little too hard.

"Come with me," he pleaded. He couldn't explain why going for a walk felt so important, but it did.

When Rafael didn't respond, or even look at him, he turned the handle, prepared to face the growing fear of stepping outside that had settled inside him. But suddenly, the ringing in his ears was back, and he slid to the floor, his hands over his ears, his head feeling like it was going to split in two.

He could feel frantic hands covering his own, sliding along his arms, his chest, his head, but he couldn't see or hear anything, until suddenly his mother's voice filled his head, far louder than just his thoughts, begging him to come back to her. He didn't understand it at all. He felt sick.

"Sonny."

Rafael's voice bled through, and slowly his face swam into vision, and Sonny grabbed for him, his breathing coming too fast.

"What's happening to me?" He choked out past a sob, his chest heaving as he allowed himself to be pulled into Rafael's arms.

"You still don't remember?"

Sonny thought he sounded sad, and he hated being the cause of that sadness. He knew, instinctively, that he was, but knowing only doubled his panic. He really couldn't breathe.

"Breathe with me, baby. Breathe."

He could feel the purposefully slow rise and fall of Rafael's chest and tried to match his own breathing. As his breathing slowed, the ringing in his ears died down to a faint, barely-there sound, and he slumped against his partner, his limbs feeling like jelly.

"Are we dead?" He asked after what felt like an eternity.

Rafael stiffened beneath him.

"What makes you ask that?"

Sonny shrugged, but he figured he must be right, judging by the tension in Rafael's body.

"I guess… I dunno. It doesn't make sense, but it does, y'know?"

"You'll never make a good lawyer if that's your argument."

The teasing was weak, but Sonny huffed a laugh anyway, angling his head so he could see Rafael's face. The other man looked terribly sad, and Sonny felt his heart clench in his chest.

"I remember a pain in my stomach. I remember seeing you go down. I remember people screaming. I remember hitting my head, but I don't know what on." He paused, sucking in a sharp breath when he realised Rafael had tears in his eyes. "All of this… It's not real, is it?"

"No." Rafael's voice was barely there. If they hadn't been so close, he wouldn't have heard him.

"What do I do?"

"You go back to them," Rafael whispered, his voice breaking as he tried to keep his emotions in check.

"Come with me," he pleaded.

Rafael just shook his head, and that's when Sonny came undone. He could barely breathe. His sobs were loud and his tears were constant, and he couldn't even find it in himself to be embarrassed. It was unfair. They'd had so little time together, so little time to get to know each other, to kiss each other, to make each other smile. Sonny still didn't know what Rafael's favourite colour was, or his favourite song, or anything of any importance really. It had been such early days. They'd had a few dates, they'd exchanged stories about work, Sonny had talked at length about Bella and his niece, but they had never really gotten to know each other.

They'd only kissed once, the night before. It had been shy, tentative and unsure at first. Rafael had initiated it, and Sonny had been so surprised he nearly forgot to kiss back. It was quick, but it promised more. And the thought that he'd never be able to fulfil that broke Sonny's heart more than he could put into words.

"What if I stay?" He whispered once he had calmed down enough to trust his voice. He was aware, now, of Rafael's hand rubbing soothing circles on his back, and the act was so tender he nearly started crying again.

"I can't ask that of you."

"You're not asking. I'm offering."

Sonny sat up, turning so he was facing Rafael. He reached out and took the other man's hands in his own, pressing kisses to his knuckles.

"Sonny…"

"No. I want you. We were only just getting started. I-"

"Your family needs you," Rafael cut him off, his voice wavering but his eyes determined. "Your friends need you. Liv needs you."

"And what about you? You don't need me?"

The shake of Rafael's head told him everything - it was more of a jolt, not an affirmation or a denial. He _wanted_ Sonny, but he didn't _need_ Sonny. He couldn't hear Rafael's words - suddenly all he could hear was his mother begging him to come back to her. He closed his eyes.

"Go to her," Rafael cut through.

He could feel Rafael standing, dragging him up as well. He could feel the door behind him - it was practically vibrating.

He knew he had to walk through that door and away from the isolated serenity of Rafael's apartment. He knew it was the right thing to do, and yet it hurt. It hurt as he let one of Rafael's hands go to reach for the thrumming door handle. It hurt as Rafael pressed one last kiss to his cheek before dropping his other hand. It hurt watching Rafael take a step back from him, a watery smile planted firmly on his face. It hurt to turn away, to turn the door handle, to prepare to walk into a world without Rafael.

"I love you," he choked out, chancing one final look at the man he'd honestly loved since the day he met him.

"I love you too," Rafael whispered.

Sonny closed his eyes and opened the door, stepping into the unknown.

* * *

The bleeping of hospital machinery slowly filled his ears, accompanied by a dull throbbing in his head. Everything felt fuzzy, like he was falling through cotton wool.

He could feel a hand on top of his own, and his fingers twitched as he attempted to turn his hand into whoever's it was. He felt the hand on top of his grasp his back.

"Sonny?" It was Bella. He felt himself smile and he licked his lips, though both his mouth was equally dry, so it didn't really help.

"Bella," he rasped out, his voice barely a whisper.

"I'll get a nurse. I'll be right back."

He tried to protest as Bella pressed a kiss into his hair, but his mouth was too dry and his head was too foggy.

The next hour was spent with nurses fussing over him and his mother crying while she held onto his hand as though he would float away if she ever let go. He understood the necessity, but he wished everyone would leave him alone for a while.

Just as the nurses were leaving, he saw the Lieu's face appear at his doorway. She flashed him a small, tired smile, which he managed to return.

"Ma," he started, cutting off whatever she'd been saying that he honestly hadn't been listening to. "Can you give me a moment?"

He gestured to the doorway, and made sure to smile at Liv to make her feel less uncomfortable for intruding. The dejected look on his mother face made him feel guilty, but he had questions he needed answers for.

Slowly, his family filed out of his hospital room, and Liv took the seat his mother had just been occupying.

"Barba's dead." It was said as a statement, but he looked to her for confirmation.

She nodded, tears forming in her eyes despite the smile she was trying to give him. He reached out for her hand and gripped it as tightly as he could as a lump formed in his throat.

"He, um… There was nothing anyone could do. He was dead before he hit the ground."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice thick and raspy with emotion, unable to stop the tears that fell.

She shook her head, leaning in towards him to brush the stray tears from his face. It would have been an awkward moment, too intimate between colleagues, if it hadn't been exactly what he needed.

"What do you remember?" She asked gently.

"Not a lot," he admitted, taking her hand in his. "I remember hearing the gunshot. I remember a strange feeling in my stomach. I saw Barba go down… And I hit my head on something. That's all."

Liv nodded, eyes still full of un-shed tears.

"He was aiming for Barba, but he got you first. The bullet did some serious damage to your stomach. Before anyone even had time to react properly, Barba had been hit too. Right in the head… He," she paused, taking a deep breath. "He was dead almost instantly. You, on the other hand… We thought we were gonna lose you so many times, but you held on."

He squeezed her hand as tight as he shut his eyes. His chest felt tight again, but he didn't want to cry in front of her.

"He cared about you. More than he let on," Liv said gently.

He laughed, then, unexpectedly, before sniffing heavily and opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling.

"He loved me," he whispered back, and despite how much his heart hurt, knowing the truth of those words filled him with warmth.

He looked back to Liv and she nodded, her huge smile at odds with the tears now tracking their way down her face.

"He loved you too," he added, though she probably already knew that too.

They stayed there for a while, holding hands, mourning together a man who had been larger than life itself.


End file.
